


To Be Honest With Oneself

by IvyCpher



Category: Zodiac Series - Romina Russell
Genre: Closure, Crying, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Wandering Star
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:48:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23780314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyCpher/pseuds/IvyCpher
Summary: Rho learns that the best way to help those who believe in her and to feel better is to be honest with herself. She finally is honest with herself and Hysan for how she feels about him.
Relationships: Hysan Dax/Rhoma Grace
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	To Be Honest With Oneself

Rho looked to the floor as an embarrassed blush flooded her cheeks. The stars that had once been so open and easy to read for her like the subtitles on a holo-show had shut her out completely. She couldn't See anything, not even something stupid like a weather prediction. She felt humiliated and angry. She wondered how in all of Helios anyone expected her to lead them when she couldn't even read the stars, the one thing that she was  _ supposed  _ to be good at.

Now instead of stirring up confidence in the new recruits, Rho knew that she was just washing off the mask that for so long had been painted on her face. She was ready for the Piscene students around her to come to their senses and be disappointed in her like she already was in herself. Deep down, Rho even hoped for it. If they denounced her as their leader and figured out that she was just some young Cancrian teen who had no idea what she was doing, then she wouldn't have to be responsible for another Armada.  _ For another Mathias. _

"Well… you have been through a lot."

Hexel's soft voice pulled Rho's face up from the floor like a gentle hand. She was surprised to see Hexel looking genuinely sympathetic. "What… What does that have to do with my reads?" Asked Rho, sitting down among the veiled Piscenes.

"Everything." Hexel said simply. She sounded just as much as a spiritual being as she looked like one. "Piscenes are taught that our reads cone from our souls. The more honest we are with ourselves, the more we can See. When your life was smaller," She tented her fingers together and held her hands in front of her chest. "It was probably easier to see concepts clearly, as either black or white. But everything you've lived through has confused your inner compass." Hexel separated her hands and used her left hand to gently tap the space over her heart three times. "And when your own vision of yourself becomes unclear, your Sight suffers."

Rho bit her lip, "How am I supposed to fix that?" She asked, embarrassedly. She remembered just what a short time ago that she was strong enough to take on the entire Zodiac head on, but now she felt like she did while suffering through her mother's training: small, insignificant, and never enough to make the people who she wanted to please happy.

"By being honest," Rho was so focused on Hexel speaking that she was half surprised by the new voice that spoke. It was a guy named Jox on her other side. "If you face the things you're avoiding instead of putting up more walls, you'll find yourself again."

In a second, thoughts clogged Rho's mind like the motor of an uncared for strider. She had been avoiding so many things and she knew it. The death of her father, being stripped of her Guardianship, the Armada, and… Mathias. A small part of her wondered if it would hurt less to be truthful to herself about the things she was avoiding, but a bigger part knew that she had to confront those things to become as useful as she could be to the people who still depended on her. "What if I don't like who I find?" She asked through the pain of her clouded heart.

"You'll like her because we like her," Jox said kindly, "Enough to give our lives for her."

Hearing that made Rho feel like a blast of energy was shot through her veins and she knew that if she was going to help the Zodiac then she needed to come out of her shell that had for so long protected her, but was now doing nothing but holding her back. She had outgrown her old shell and needed to find one to fit the bigger and better her… She needed to forgive herself for the deaths of her dad and Mathias, and she needed to let them go.

Before another thought could even cross Rho's mind, Brynda's Advisor entered the reading room with a plate full of spongy cakes. The Piscenes eagerly jumped up and their silver robes rustled around their ankles as they hurried over to get their share of cake. Even though Rho suddenly remembered how hungry she was at the sight of food, she walked straight out the door. It was a simple task since everyone was busy getting food, no one even noticed her disappearance. She had bigger fish to fry than sticking around eating a snack.

Rho crossed the busy lobby, her eyes peeled for Hysan amidst the sea of lavender, golden, and blue uniformed students beginning to leave their stations for a break. She was so busy earlier that she didn't hear where Hysan was stationed, but a gut-feeling told her that he was with Brynda. Though a few people, including Nishi, tried to talk to her, Rho knew she couldn't stop to chat or she'd lose her nerve. She gave Nishi a pleading  _ 'I-Need-A-Minute _ ' look and was thankful that her friend got the message and kept anyone from speaking to her by pulling them into random conversation as Rho speed walked to the elevator.

As the elevator doors closed in front of her and Rho pushed the button for the top floor, she released a breath that she didn't even know she had been holding. Her heart was beating so hard and so fast in her chest that it nearly hurt. She knew she didn't have to go through with what she was doing, but if she turned back now then she really would be the coward that the Plenum charged her as.

When the elevator doors opened to the top floor, Rho stepped into the hall and saw that Brynda's door was open. She balled her hands into fists at her sides in an attempt to stop them from shaking as she walked in the doorway. Hysan, Brynda, and the Libran, Capricorn, and Virgo students were still working. They must not have gotten notice of the break.

Before Rho could even get Hysan's attention, he noticed her. "My lady," He said, stepping around a clump of students littering the floor on pillows to meet her. In a second he read Rho's face and she knew it, but she also knew that her face must not have saw everything because he looked confused. "Are you alright?" He asked in a quieter tone. He joined her in the doorway and put a gentle hand on her elbow. "Did you See something?" At this question, everyone from inside the room perked up and edged closer to the door, but Rho didn't notice them. She was too distracted by Hysan and what she planned to say to him.

Rho's whole body felt hot like she had gotten a bad sunburn everywhere and even though her hands were in fists they were shaking. "I wanted to talk to you," She said, her voice wobbly.

Hysan glanced down at Rho's fists and raised a brow but did not take a step back. "Yes?" He asked, his hand slowly falling off her arm.

Rho opened her mouth to speak but no words came out, so she did the only other thing she knew would get her message across to Hysan. She wrapped both her arms around his neck- fists and all, and pulled him down into a deep kiss. And even though she had just kissed him the previous night, it felt like she hadn't kissed him in years. She missed Hysan, she missed kissing him, and being with him… Rho was so happy at the thought of kissing him that her own centaur smile pulled at her lips against their kiss. She pulled away and felt giddy to see that Hysan looked surprised, but the light in his eyes was as bright as ever and he too, was starting to smile. "I love you, Hysan…" She said slowly.

Hysan soon had a smile just as big as Rho's. He shook his head with a small half laugh, but before he could respond, he was interrupted by a loud whistle from Brynda. 

The Guardian was smirking as she joined them in the doorway. Behind her, the students sat wide eyed as they leaned forward on their floor pillows for a better view. Some of them were clapping while most of them had their mouths open in shock. "Hysan, you have a bad habit of stealing all the pretty girls." Said Brynda in fake lament. She leaned against the doorway and watched as Rho quickly detangled herself from Hysan, both her and him no longer wearing identical smiles but identical blushes. "But at least while you're with him, Rho," She stepped over to Rho and elbowed her, "I can finally get some cute girls my way who aren't head over heels for him already."

While Rho was too embarrassed to respond, she caught Hysan's eye and gave him a flustered smile. He took her hand while Brynda turned around to address the stunned students in the room. "Looks like it's break time," She said, still grinning. "Let's head downstairs for a snack or something." As the students slowly clambered up from their seats on the floor, Brynda threw both Hysan and Rho a wink over her shoulder. She was the first to file out of the room, leading the charge to the elevator so that they could have their privacy. As the students passed them, they cast them curious looks.

By the time everyone was gone and she and Hysan were alone, Rho felt more nervous than before, but she also felt good. She felt Hysan squeeze her hand looked up at him.

"So it seems you don't need to ask me for a kiss when you want one," Laughed Hysan. "Maybe I should start asking you for kisses, considering how good you are at giving them." With a gentle smirk he led Rho into the open room and shut the door behind her.

Unable to help the small laugh that bubbled out of her, Rho smiled. "Hysan, I-" There was so much for her to tell him. Her smile faded and she sat down on one of the many pillows on the floor. "I love you." She said, with her hands in her lap.

"I could listen to you say that all day," Hysan sat on a pink pillow beside her and put his hand on her knee. "But, I don't think that you kissed me in front of a room full of people just to say that." His smile faded into a look of care and concern. "What happened?"

Rho took in a large breath and looked down at her hands, "I know what I told you last night…" She said solemnly, "But," She shook her head, blonde curls falling into her face. "But, what I'm doing-" She looked up at Hysan, "I'm… I'm hiding away all my feelings and it hurts, Hysan." She whispered and all the happiness she had felt just minutes ago dissipated. "I'm holding them so close that they've started to stab at my heart." She put both of her hands over her chest and closed her eyes. Though she felt like she might cry, Rho wasn't scared to cry in front of Hysan. Not like she had been Mathias, who might have seen her tears as a childish weakness. "And they've hurt me so much that they've started to affect my Sight."

Beside her, Hysan took a slow breath but didn't say anything. She opened her eyes and through her teary vision, she looked at him. Without saying a word, he scooted his pillow closer to her's and wrapped an arm around her. Rho let her head fall on Hysan's shoulder and breathed slowly to try and calm herself. She wasn't afraid of crying, no, she was afraid of crying before saying everything she needed to say. Because she was uncertain if she started crying if she'd ever be able to stop.

"I loved Mathias," Rho's voice shook with the silent tears that slipped down her tan cheeks. She turned her face to meet Hysan's gaze, "But I  _ love  _ you." She breathed.

"And I love you too," Hysan said quietly. He wiped away the pale tears on Rho's face. "But-" He hesitated, "Rho, I'll always love you, I'll wait as long as you need for you to be ready." He kept his hand on her cheek and rubbed circles in her skin with his index finger. "But I don't want for you to be with me now for a few weeks and then break things off again because your feelings for Mathias return." He looked ashamed for what he said, but he continued. "I hurt too, you know… Because you chose me, but it feels like that you had picked him over me even in death."

Though Hysan's words stung, Rho couldn't deny them. "I know…" She whispered. "I know… But I mean it, Hysan,  _ I love you."  _ She implored, pressing a kiss to his hand. "Mathias- he waited so long to love me… But it felt like you loved me from the start…"

"I  _ did  _ love you from the start, Rho. And I love you now." Hysan gently pressed his forehead against Rho's and sighed. "You're a Cancrian through and through…" He muttered, "So much that it hurts you. No wonder you're Guardian."

With a shaky exhale of breath, Rho closed her eyes again. "I'm not a Guardian anymore," She sniffled. "I'm just me." She said feebly.

Hysan pulled his face away from Rho's and when he did, she opened her eyes. "That's what makes you Guardian, and that's why the stars haven't picked a new Holy Mother."

A frail smile pulled at Rho's lips and she used her wrist to wipe away her fresh tears. "I'm sorry, Hysan." She whispered. "In all this- I… I've been stuck in my own head," She admitted. "I never thought of how you felt in all of this, how I've been going about with you… Can you forgive me?"

"I always will, my lady." And Hysan leaned forward, his and Rho's lips meeting in a bittersweet kiss.

The kiss was slow, but it felt good to Rho. Her brain was still so muddled by her tears that she knew she couldn't handle anything more than a slow kiss. She felt better having talked to Hysan about Mathias and how she felt for him, like a few of the feelings stabbing her heart had finally left. But she still felt sad, a different kind of sad that she couldn't place. At least however, this sadness felt more natural than the one she had housed for Mathias before, like she was truly mourning him now and not just obsessing over his death.

Rho was the one to end the kiss, her tears had stopped and she had her hand resting on Hysan's chest. "I'm… I'm still going to be sad about him." She admitted. "But I know I won't be sad about him forever."

"Rho, if you weren't sad about his death still then it wouldn't be you." Hysan's hand moved from Rho's cheek into her blonde curls. She leaned her head against his palm. "Just perhaps some android that someone didn't give enough personality to." He flashed her a small smile that Rho couldn't help but return.

"Thank you."

"Anything for you, Rho."

**Author's Note:**

> My first Zodiac fic! Ahh! Yay! It's such a tiny fandom so I'm happy to get to contribute to it! I'm re-reading the series rn so when I got to the part that I used at the beginning of the fic, I got this lovely idea! (Though it originally involved some more sexual stuff-) I hope that everyone is in character...
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated!!!


End file.
